I feel like a blurry pencil

 I lie on a bench, on one side, the doctor is behind me, operating on the mole on my right shoulder. A nurse holds my hand. You have been through a lot, she says. I nod. If I may ask: what has been the most difficult? Fatigue, I answer, without thinking about it. Fatigue as it is called in the technical language. I have not thought about it, but yes. Not operations, not fear or pain, but not being able to do anything. And I'm not talking about while treatments are on, but in general.

Fatigue is a persistent state of exhaustion where one does not get any better from resting. Nothing shows on blood tests or other tests. For many who have been treated for cancer, this is unfortunately one of the long-term effects, as it is with many autoimmune diseases. And the reason? One does not know. Treatment? There is none. But there are a number of mastery courses.

The therapist pushes the box with paper towels across the table. I'm on a rehabilitation stay. I cannot even fold the towels, I say, they hang on the drying rack in the dining room and I sit in the chair with a blanket over me. I must be able to get up, see to get something done. It is not the towels that are the issue, I say, choked with tears, it feels just completely empty in the whole body and worst of all in my head, I cannot think or read a newspaper, nothing. I do not think I sleep during the day, I doze off. I sit in a chair with a blanket and the only thing I want is for my body to be able to listen to a few messages. Do you understand?

Yes and no, I think no one can fully understand, he answers.

 It gives way a little, the grip in the neck, because I use a lot of energy to explain. He's probably right, it's not that easy to understand. I do not understand it myself either. Before I could fill my day with daily chores without giving it a thought. Now a trip to the store is pure rock climbing.

What if you're trying to set up a daily schedule? he asks. I nod.

 I feel like a blurry pencil is not my expression, but taken from the book Caffeine by Michael Pollan. To get into the substance he is going to write about, caffeine, the author himself stops using coffee for a period of time. This is how he describes his first day: “Consciousness is less clear than usual, as if the air is thicker, everything becomes slower, including the ability to perceive, to be able to work. I feel like a blurry pencil. Can't focus for more than a minute. "

 Caffeine addiction goes away. Fatigue is unfortunately often a persistent condition, but not always equally present.

I try to make the most of the days when I, and the pencil, are sharpened.